Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
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Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Did my cat write this
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…