Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
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Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣