When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
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ME: finally a program for me
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Strange
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*