Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
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*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!