me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
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Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.