Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
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The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!