Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
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Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting