If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
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The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it