How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
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Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME