interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
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ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is