I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
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I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
time for some seasonal decor
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail