*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
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me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it