I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
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‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.