How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
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[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.