Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
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phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Breaking news:
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.