Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
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Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
You can’t rush stupid.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house