If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
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[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day