me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
You Might Also Like
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
The pasta is now
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
This kid is going places
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?