Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
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[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
I like crazy people until they notice me
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”