Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
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Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
describing stardew valley
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver