Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
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There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
the chicken was already gone when I got here
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names