I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
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This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
*skinny dips into black hole
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down