I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
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My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.