Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
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[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
This is the one
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.