My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
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My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
What?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses