“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
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Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”