Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
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thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
True?
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.