Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
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Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.