Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
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Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.