“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
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What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Steam Forums
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Cool shirt 🙂
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.