My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
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Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox