What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
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Who says great literature is dead?
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
sounds kinky. i’m in.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.