Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
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Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
…u ok Nintendo?
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I hope it’s French Onion!
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol