I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
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My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
oppen heimer style lol
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.