My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
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HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
A short story of betrayal: