Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
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Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June