Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
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Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Girl, same.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie