*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
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I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
some cats are just doing for fun!
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.