911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
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[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book