{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
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[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.