Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
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Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
tinder is all about the long game
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.