i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
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CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot