She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
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My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”