Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
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Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
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If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
the dark web is just a goth google.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”