Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
You Might Also Like
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Life cycle of cat
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.