At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
You Might Also Like
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
You are what you delete.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?