When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with youš.
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Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
And then there were 4
āOnce COVID is overā is starting to sound a lot like some āLemme borrow five bucks Iāll pay you back I swearā bullshit.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
It sucks you canāt google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
If you look up the word ānot a virginā in the dictionary, itās a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, whatās yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
friend: hey man donāt drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my bossā house and steal all his grass. all of it
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
itās so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Itās only a murder of crows if thereās probable caws
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
āEither shave your legs or kiss meā
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Iām not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing šš¾
Sorry, maāam. Iām a solid 4 1/2. Youāre an 8. Youāre out of my league.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didnāt you cheat on me