I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
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KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
They’re stuck in your pants?
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play