Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
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No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
6. me as a lawyer
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.