Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
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friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.